The Amphibian's Ailment

By Arya Utsa Varma

Posted on November 1, 2024

Illustration Title: The Amphibian's Ailment

Illustration by: Phuong

Size: 2360 pixels x 1640 pixels

Medium: Digital

Year: 2024

Scene One:

(A girl is shown on stage, brushing her teeth in front of a mirror. Scattered around the sink in front of her are a variety of small bottles and tubes of toiletries.)

(A lady stands next to the blue door on the balcony, wearing her shoes)

(They both appear to be in a rush)

Mrs. Anderson: Larissa, honey, hurry up! You’re going to be late!

Larissa: (muffled) I’m coming, Mom, just give me a second!

Mrs. Anderson: What could possibly be taking this long? 

Larissa: (muffled) I’m brushing my teeth!

Mrs. Anderson: (to herself) Why can’t this girl do anything on time?

(Larissa finishes brushing and grabs her backpack, rushing up the stairs to where her mom is)

Larissa: Okay Mom, I’m ready. Let’s g-

(She is interrupted by a violent fit of coughing)

(Mrs. Anderson’s brow scrunches up as she gasps. She starts rushing around, shuffling through her cabinets until she finds a thermometer.)

Mrs. Anderson: Oh—no, no, no, no…. Are you feeling okay? Are you sick? Did you not wear your sweater yesterday, like I asked you to? Here, let me take your temperature. You know, I bet it’s something going around at school.

(She takes Larissa’s temperature and is visibly upset at the results)

Mrs. Anderson: 100.8 - that’s definitely a fever, Larissa! That’s it, you’re not going to school today.

Larissa: I hope you don’t expect me to complain. Sounds good!

Mrs. Anderson: I expect you to stay in bed and drink warm things. And no-

Larissa: (accepting her fate) …messing around, I know.

Mrs. Anderson: (smiling ever so slightly) Good girl.

(Larissa and her mom walk back down the stairs, to the main stage)

(Larissa sniffles a bit)

Mrs. Anderson: (rummaging through her bag) I’ll just send an email saying that I won’t make it to work today.

Larissa: Mom, no, you don’t have to miss work because of me. I’m twelve, I can handle myself. I know your team has that presentation today about… well, about—uh, whatever you do at work. You don’t have to miss it just because I have a cold.

Mrs. Anderson: Larissa, you’re ill. I’m not going to leave you home alone with a fever just because of a ten-minute presentation.

Larissa: C’mon Mom, be reasonable. I’m more than equipped to take care of myself.

Mrs. Anderson: Honey, I know, but it’s just about your wellbeing.

Larissa: (disappointed and a little exasperated) Fine. But I’m not going to be doing any homework or studying or doing anything boring like that.

Mrs. Anderson: You’re not going to be rewatching The Office either.

(Larissa makes a face at this)

Mrs. Anderson: Now! Off to bed. I’ll come in with some ginger and turmeric tea soon.

(Larissa walks down the stairs and offstage)

Scene Two

(Larissa is in bed, scrolling on her phone when her mom comes in)

Mrs. Anderson: Hey, love, I’ve brought you your tea.

Larissa: Thanks, Mom.

Mrs. Anderson: It’s a little chilly in here, don’t you want to close the window?

Larissa: Nah, I like it the way it is.

Mrs. Anderson: Larissa, you’re sick; you have to be careful in these situations. Especially with the seasons changing…

(Mrs. Anderson walks over to close the window, notices that the window has no screen)

Mrs. Anderson: Oh my god, there’s no screen on the window! Larissa you have to be more mindful, all types of insects and things could come inside- (moves to put the screen back on the window)

Larissa: No, mom, wait! Don’t put that back yet.

Mrs. Anderson: What’s gotten into you? Maybe your fever’s gotten worse- oh, damn it, there’s a fly inside now.

(Larissa looks at the fly with interest, before sticking out her tongue and eating it)

Mrs. Anderson: Did you… just eat a fly?

Larissa: (obviously lying) ...no.

Mrs. Anderson: Honey, that cannot be healthy! Let me get you a Tylenol, or at least some blankets! Drink your tea while it’s still hot, I’ll set up a doctor’s appointment… (she goes on)

Larissa: Mom, trust me, I’m -ribbit- fine!

Mrs. Anderson: Larissa, what was that just now?

Larissa: (lying again) a cough.

Mrs. Anderson: You, my dear, are very much not fine. I’ll take you to a walk-in clinic after 5:00.

Larissa: There’s no use arguing here, is there?

Mrs. Anderson: Nope.

(Mrs. Anderson leaves, closing the door behind her)

(After waiting a minute, Larissa takes out a jar of flies from under her bed and starts popping them into her mouth)

Larissa: Ribbit.

Scene Three

(Larissa enters through the right entrance with her mother and an assistant)

Assistant: Dr. Lieberher will be with you in a moment.

(Assistant leaves)

(Larissa sits down on the bench while her mother stands)

Larissa: I really -ribbit- don’t know why you brought me here, mom, it’s just a cold.

Mrs. Anderson: Well, love, your fever’s been getting higher - 102.5 is really not a normal temperature - and you’ve been coughing a lot more… and really strangely too. It’s better to be safe than sorry.

(Larissa is about to reply when Dr. Lieberher walks in, a nervous wreck)

Dr. Lieberher: Oh, uh, hello there, young lady. Or sport, or whatever you want to be called. I’m so sorry for assuming, actually. (to Mrs. Anderson) Hello ma’am, I’m so sorry for the delay. I don’t know how to make it up to you, actually, is there anything I can do? Or no, well I’m here for your daughter. I mean, you’re here for your daughter. I mean—well, you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean? Oh, dear, I’m so sorry. How are you feeling today, Larissa?

Mrs. Anderson: Are you alright, Dr. Lieberher?

Dr. Lieberher: I mean, are any of us alright? Well, that’s my bad, actually, I’m sure you are - not to assume anything! You are, after all, at a doctor’s office. Oh dear, I’m so sorry, I don’t mean to sound cocky. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t think I’m fit for this. 

(Dr. Liberher puts his head in his hands and starts sobbing)

(Throughout this time, Larissa has been slowly inching towards the floor where she is now squatting)

Mrs. Anderson: (at her wits’ end, sharply) Larissa, get up from the floor.

Larissa: I’m just stretching, Mom.

(Larissa starts hopping a bit, in a froglike manner)

Mrs. Anderson: Larissa Anderson. This is not how a twelve year old child behaves. Get up. From. The floor.

Larissa: Mom, it’s exercise. You’re always going on about how important exercise is, and I’m just saying, like, isn’t there a phrase or -ribbit- idiom or whatever saying the best time to start is now?

(Mrs. Anderson grabs Larissa’s arm and pulls her up before throwing the doctor a dirty look and walking towards the exit)

(The assistant walks in again)

Assistant: Hi Dr. Lieberher, I’m so sorry to interrupt, but do you need me for the next three weeks, or do I get that paid vacation?

Dr. Lieberher: (still hysterical) Do whatever you like, Andy. It’s not up to a failure like me to tell good people what to do. I’ll pay you double, in fact.

Mrs. Anderson: (turning to the assistant) Excuse me, but how does he have any right to practice in this state? How does he still have a license? Has no one reported him?

(Hearing this, Dr. Lieberher only sobs harder)

Assistant: Well, he’s too much of a pushover to say no to any of us, so he lets us off the hook for all our work. We’ve decided to just let him be, too. Studying for a doctor’s degree did some strange things to his mind.

Mrs. Anderson: (absolutely pissed) Unbelievable. I’ll be reporting this, then, if no one else will.

(She then drags Larissa, who is still doing her darndest to hop, through the entrance and offstage)

Scene Four

(Mrs. Anderson is pacing back and forth on the balcony)

Mrs. Anderson: (to herself, freaking out) God, what am I going to do? That walk-in-clinic appointment was a complete waste of time and Larissa’s fever - if that’s even what it is at this point - is getting worse and worse and—Jesus—an hour ago she asked me if we could go swimming! It’s 10 degrees outside! I can’t do this, I cannot do this, I- I have no clue what to do.

(She stops and holds herself straight for a moment, as if giving a speech)

(During this time, Larissa enters from backstage onto the stage and silently starts waving a towel up and down in a hailing motion)

Mrs. Anderson: It’s okay, Clara. You can do this. Deep breaths. In. Out. Let’s go downstairs. Get some water.

(Mrs. Anderson grabs an empty glass from the ledge and walks down the stairs)

Mrs. Anderson: Left. Right. Left. One step at a time.

(She sees Larissa doing her ritual and drops the glass)

Larissa: (waving her towel and bowing down) The master of the universe, the harbinger of doom, the bringer of light, the creator of worlds, the ruler of darkness, the epitome of power! Ribbit! I give to you my soul and my heart, my mind and everything locked away inside my being, the memories and thoughts and whispers that plague this realm and those that dissolve away! Ribbit! To my one and only Maker, my divinity and the true resemblance of the almighty! May your gills forever flourish! May you have many flies!

Mrs. Anderson: (crumpling to her knees, in a helpless voice) Larissa. Larissa. Larissa!

Larissa: My dearest mother! Ribbit! Join me in the reverence of our amphibian overlord!

Mrs. Anderson: (almost sobbing) Larissa. What’s going on? Did I do something? Did I lecture you one too many times? Should I have been a kinder parent? What is it?

Larissa: Quite the contrary, mother dearest! I -ribbit- have merely found peace with Their Holiness, the Amphibian Greatness! I invite you to join me in this bliss, this wo-

(Larissa is interrupted by a massive, violent coughing fit. It continues for at least twenty seconds)

(Mrs. Anderson goes to her side immediately, trying to help)

Mrs. Anderson: Larissa! Hang in there! I’ll call an ambulance- goddamn it, where did my phone go-

(Larissa’s coughing fit finally subsedes, and she reveals something she coughed up - a small green frog)

Larissa: (weakly) Sorry to worry you. Guess I had a frog in my throat.

(Mrs. Anderson hugs her daughter)

[fade to black]

[Writing Editor: Paul Shannon]

[The End]